Food and Drink

The most exciting news of late is that I made rabbit stew on Sunday afternoon. I’ve never cooked rabbit before, and other than the poor bunny itself, the ingredients and method were completely ad-hoc and random. I have to say it was excellent. We both preferred it to the hare discussed previously, but unfortunately I didn’t have it ready in time for Mia’s tea, so her verdict will have to wait until we get her portion out of the freezer at a later date.

Other highlights have been a lengthy power cut, and an attempt to explain to a Dell representative in India the meaning of the word “left”. The fact that the laptop’s down arrow key didn’t work was recorded with no problem, but left was a big issue. The explanation that it’s the opposite of right didn’t help either. There are only four arrows to choose from, but in the (lengthy) end, it seemed better to just let him record that it was the down and right arrows. Why the details of which specific keys didn’t work were relevant is beyond me anyway, but the replacement keyboard was duly delivered the next day, to the correct address. Unfortunately, bearing the name of a completely unrelated company nobody had heard of, meaning reception sent it away again. The man from Dellhi (haha, I don’t suppose I’m the first to try and be funny with that mis-spelling) wouldn’t allow me to phone the courier and ask them to bring it back. Instead, he kept me on hold (the worst on-hold music I’ve ever experienced) while he phoned and asked them to return the keyboard to Dell, and then he arranged to ship out a second keyboard, which thankfully arrived the next day.

Continuing the potato series, tonight I’m making mashed potato. I’ve seen various TV Chefs* going on about how to make the ‘perfect mashed potato’, which frequently involves all kinds of ridiculous machinery and techniques, and the end result is some kind of gloop that looks like wallpaper paste. Well no, I say, because the perfect mashed potato is one that still bears some resemblance to potato. Also, if you’ve read my previous potato postings, you’ll guess that my way is going to be easy.

I should think anyone who calls themself a chef is going to be absolutely horrified by what follows, but that’s ok – you don’t have to eat my mash, and I certainly won’t eat yours.

So: peel potatoes (optional**), chop them into chunks, place in pan of boiling water (just water, nothing else), leave them in there until you can see the water turn a bit starchy, then drain. At this point, you can add butter (loads), milk (not too much) or pepper (truckloads) at your discretion, or any combination of the three. And/or cheese. Then mash it up, but not too much. That’s it.

If that sounds really dull, you can effortlessly toss some stuff in while the potatos are boiling – some herbs are the obvious idea, but chopped leeks or onions are good too.

So there ends today’s potato post, but don’t worry, because I’m sure I’ll be back with more spuds of wisdom.

*In the age of reality TV, TV Chefs have been renamed Celebrity Chefs, presumably to distinguish them from all the non-celebrity chefs clogging up the airwaves.

**Sometimes it’s nice to have the skin on them, sometimes it isn’t. Variety is the spice of life. However, if there’s any green colour to the spuds, I always peel them. The green stuff is chlorophyl which naturally forms near the surface as the potato (exposed to light) ages. This is all well and good, but it’s an indicator that another process has been going on, which is the formation of solanine. Solanine is both minging and poisonous, though I think you would have to eat a barrowload of green potatoes to feel any ill effects.

Anyway, chips were last night. Tonight is jacket potatoes. Oddly, other than the cutting into hunks and chunks, the cooking process is virtually identical. Wash/scrub potatoes, douse in olive oil, put in oven until done. Note when giving cooking instructions, pronouns and like not required. What’s odd is that the end result is completely different.

Roast potatoes complete this strange trinity. They’re cooked the same as the chips, except you parboil (what a ridiculous word) them in between the cutting and oiling step. Again, a totally different eating experience.

I suspect I will write more about the potato before too long.

Before I start, let me clarify. Chips. By this I mean chunks of potato, which are usually deep fried, although more on that later. I don’t mean Crisps, which are wafer-thin slices of potato adorned with various chemicals to give them flavour, and supplied in a packet. If you’re from the USA, I mean French Fries. But if you’re not, I don’t mean that, because to me and my fellow countrymen French Fries are pencil-thin strips of some kind of cheap potato-substitute that are served up by that fast-food clown. French Fries are also a brand of Crisp.

So, with that clarified, I will continue my discussion of chips. Chips at home traditionally have been frozen chips, i.e. you get a bag out of the freezer, pour the contents into the deep fat fryer (a vat of hot fat, either animal or vegetable) and assuming the hot fat doesn’t become the seat of a blaze that destroys your house, you eat them some time later.

Now, when I was a child, they invented Oven Chips. These were a remarkable invention – you would get them out of the freezer, put them in the oven (a cupboard of hot air) and eat them some time later. Blazes are much rarer in ovens than in deep fryers, and also it’s much more convenient, cleaner and healthier. In other words, these Oven Chips were a technological marvel, and proclaimed as such by the manufacturers.

Fast forward many years…

We like to eat chips occasionally, when we can’t be bothered to cook properly, but I won’t have a deep fat fryer in the house for various reasons. Thankfully, the technical marvel that is Oven Chips came to the rescue, and for a time we purchased and used them. However, it’s fair to say that Oven Chips in a packet are rubbish, as in fact are any kind of frozen chip. The best kind are the ones my dad used to make – big chunks of roughly hewn potato deep-fried to perfection. But how to reproduce this without a deep fat frier? Surely it’s impossible, without some technical wizardry.

But actually no, making good chips is easy. It’s easier than using the ‘convenient’ Oven Chips out of the freezer. At the simplest level, take some potatoes, wash and peel (the peeling is optional actually, don’t bother) and then chop them into whatever shapes and sizes take your fancy. Make sure they’re dry, place in a baking tray, and toss them around in a small amount of olive oil. Stick them in the oven, and get them out when they’re ready.

Easy.

Of course, you can get more advanced than this once you’ve got the hang of the basics, but that’s a subject for another post.

So what was all the fuss about Oven Chips? What’s all the messing about with deep fat fryers? Why bother with frozen chips at all. What’s the point of this post? I can’t answer any of these questions and I’m not even going to try.