Books (Chapter 5)

Part of me wishes I’d never started doing this. It should be easy to write a couple of sentences about every book you read, but for some reason it seems to be really hard and I end up leaving it for months before I actually finish it, by which time there’s another list waiting to be written.

On the other hand, another part of me wishes I’d started doing it when I started reading. If nothing else, it’s really nice to be able to look back for a reminder when you forget what a particular book was, so I’m going to keep doing it. Here’s the latest batch (or at least, it was the latest in August):

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It’s no secret that I like to get simultaneously annoyed and amused by the ridiculous instructions and warnings that suddenly seem to be necessary on the packaging of even the most innocuous of products. It’s a hobby I normally try to keep to myself, except when things are getting particularly out of hand. But not today.

The Scissors Paradox

Exhibit A – it’s the packaging for a pair of scissors, or rather a pair of pairs. I have no idea when scissors started coming in packs of two. I suspect the factory misunderstood the order – number of items per packet: pair.

The warning not to cut up raw meat and vegetables with the same pair caught my attention. Who needs a warning like that? Maybe the kind of person that prepares up their meat and veg with scissors. Maybe this is just part of the War On Knives, which I understand are due to be phased out except for licensed professional chefs. All amateur food preparation will soon be done with scissors, and later (when scissors are also banned) with wooden spoons.

Somewhat horrifying is the complete lack of warning not to run with scissors, but I don’t doubt this will be added to the next batch.

My favourite bit though is the instructions on how to open the packet – yes, even that is apparently too complicated and dangerous for the average ‘consumer’ these days. So how do you get your scissors out of the packet? With scissors, of course.

P.S. As the photo reveals, I stabbed the packaging with a knife instead. It would have been easier with scissors (if they weren’t inside the packet) but nowhere near as satisfying.

I’ve never come across any fans of Google’s Android Market. Personally I despise almost everything about it. To some extent this is understandable and was always going to be the case because Google’s goals in building and running it aren’t even similar to mine as a user. That’s fair enough – my requirements aren’t typical. The other side of it though, is that it’s just crap, however you look at it.

What follows is a non-comprehensive list of what I think is crap. Some of these things everybody must agree with, while others most people probably don’t care about.

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Hedgehog in a drain

Four years since I last1 mentioned hedgehogs2 here. Time flies. As far as I can remember, I haven’t seen a hedgehog in the meantime. I was wondering – was that previous hedgehog lucky or unlucky? It’s hard to say. The same goes for this one.

I’d already heard strange noises in the yard first thing in the morning but not been able to find the source. It was only when I went to turn on the tap to refill the ducklings’ pond that I spotted the hedgehog stuck in the drain, treading water.

Mia fetched a pair of gloves for me and I hauled it out and put it on the floor, where it proceeded to stagger around in a circle, leaving a trail of stagnant water behind it. Then it stopped at sat there stinking and shivering.

Rescued hedgehog

It just so happened that in the porch we had a very large cage with a heat lamp suspended above it. With the three ducklings now out in the orchard, the only remaining occupant of the cage was The Friendliest Chicken In The WorldTM who surely wouldn’t mind sharing. More about TFCITW another day, maybe. I put an open box in the cage under the heat lamp and left the hedgehog in it to recover. Once it had stopped shivering, it curled up and went to sleep.

Released hedgehog

An hour or so later, an almighty squawking came from the porch. It looked like the hedgehog, having recovered and eaten the peanuts I left for it, had climbed out of its box, whereupon TFCITW had tried to cuddle it and got the nastiest surprise of its life so far. It had the sense not to try it again though, and I set the hedgehog free in the garden after dark.

The BBC News site always asks for my comments, but they never publish them. They only seem to select comments from deranged left-wing risk-averse party-line-toeing buffoons. I can’t imagine why this is. Anyway, I’ve decided to start publishing my comments myself.

In response to this ‘article’ (which is entirely old hat anyway) and inspired by the stupid comments they published, here is my contribution:

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Plum Roulette

Mia has a talent for inventing strange new games. My all time favourite was blindfold dog hurdling. Just to be clear, it was Mia that was blindfolded (by pulling her T-shirt over her head) and the dog was the unwilling hurdle. The game only ended, as you might have already guessed, when the dog decided enough was enough and went to find somewhere else to try and sleep.

Today’s invention is Plum Roulette. Place your bets…

Plum Roulette - Place your bets

The wheel is part of a washing machine I dismantled. It spins very well. No more bets now…

Plum Roulette

Jake supplied the plums, straight from the tree. They’re not quite ripe yet, but that doesn’t really matter when you’re not eating them.

Plum Roulette - No more bets

linksys-inside

The Linksys SR224G is a 24-port network switch. A bit excessive for what I needed, but I couldn’t resist the price of £4.99 on ebay. One problem – very noisy indeed. This would be fine in it’s normal environment, a rack full of other noisy equipment but I wanted it in my office, because that’s where most of the Cat5 cabling in the house terminates.

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Baby 3.0

babytom

Introducing Baby 3.0. He’s called Tom. I’m still not getting involved in the very strange but apparently compulsory “how much did he weigh?” thing. I was going to mockingly suggest that our lovable NHS bureaucrats would have already ticked a little “overweight, prone to diabetes, and will probably die of a heart attack next week” box on their clipboard. No mocking is necessary though, because I put his details into their stupid calculator thing and sure enough, he is off the end of the scale, and “obese”. They are telling me he is at risk of cancer, and needs to eat less burgers and chips, and get more exercise. I guess we need to hope he drastically loses some weight by the time he’s four weeks old, but in my experience these babies just keep on getting bigger.

Can a baby starling swim? This is not a question I’d ever asked, until I saw one fall into the River Nidd yesterday. Luckily I had a camera in my hand at the time:

Get the Flash Player to see this content.

You might need a good connection to view that video. I tried to reduce the bitrate, but it came out too blocky and spoiled it when I went too far. The quality of the original video (96MiB of it at the original resolution of 1280×720) is amazing. It was recorded on a Panasonic DMC-ZS3, which I think is a superb almost-pocket-sized camera, the only downside being a shortage of manual controls. Unfortunately the cameraman wasn’t of the same quality, but you get the idea – after a few seconds of pondering its predicament, the baby starling can indeed swim.

Note to self: I converted the video using the following command:

ffmpeg -i /shares/pictures/2010/2010-05-29/P1010955.MOV -ar 22050 -s 400x226 -qscale 5 -f flv waterwings.flv

Next question – do they like swimming. I think the expression on its face says it all:

Wet Starling

It let me get very close to take that picture. I suspect it sat on that rock for a long time, drying out and coming to its senses. Again, only the original uncompressed image at 3648×2746 really does the camera justice, but the version I’ve butchered for the web doesn’t look so bad either. Click it twice to get to the 1024×768 version. Any arguments that it’s not a starling will be happily accepted if you know better – I’m not 100% sure.

In which I present, for no apparent reason, a list of books I’ve read since the last list.

The Secret Agent – Joseph Conrad: This is the fourth of his books that I’ve read (the previous three are here, and it’s now level pegging, with two of them (this included) being very enjoyable, and two not so much.

Dead Souls – Ian Rankin: First of a set of “three for five quid” picked up in a bargain bookshop that’s conveniently near where I was waiting for the old Merc to pass it’s MOT test. This one was picked because I’ve read quite a lot of Rankin’s stuff. A fairly standard “Rebus” novel, but with an unexpected twist – I spent quite a lot of the time having a strange sense of deja vu, like I’d read some passages of the book before, and some bits of the story were familiar too. It turned out that it was adapted from a short story I’d already read, which was published in Beggar’s Banquet.

The Front – Patricia Cornwell: The second of the bargain-bookshop-three. This was ok, but it deserved to be in the bargain bookshop.

Roman Blood – Steven Saylor: The wildcard entry from the bargain bookshop. I’d never heard of it (or him), or any of the other books on offer, so I picked it up almost at random to make up the set of three. It turned out to be the best of the lot by a long way. Very good indeed. Luckily it’s also the first of a long series, of which I’ve already purchased the next book.

The Turn of the Screw – Henry James: This was ‘recommended’ by my wife. Recommended as in she read it, then passed it on to me, but failed to inform me beforehand that she didn’t really like it. There are two stories in the book. I got about halfway through the first page before I asked if she’d read them both, and she said no. I wondered why not, but with hindsight it was a valiant effort even reading the first in its entirety. I lasted about three chapters then gave up.

Brave New World – Aldous Huxley: An astounding vision of the future, for its time, although it doesn’t seem so far away now. Also, in my opinion, an astoundingly bad piece of writing.

Set In Darkness – Ian Rankin: More of the Rebus stuff. Readable enough, as always.

The Falcon Flies – Wilbur Smith: Without any reasonable grounds for doing so, I always had Wilbur Smith down as some kind of author of junk fiction. I only read this because I found it lying around. I thought it was great, and I’ll be reading more of his books.

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